"I am the only person who can make me feel better, it's okay to feel what I feel"

As I compose this post and as I sit and reflect on the past week, I feel a strong sense of discouragement and hopelessness due to the events that have occurred in this week.

I’m in matric this year and I’m currently going through the motions of final exams. I wrote physics today which I knew would be thought-provoking but I was really disappointed at just how challenging it was. I feel like I studied so hard and it was basically thrown in my face that my best was not good enough.

It really sucks when this happens. It sucks when it becomes evident that your best isn’t good enough. Whether it’s someone telling you that you’re not good enough or just you coming to this realization by yourself.

When I ruminate on this year, it’s almost as if all the bad overshadows the good.  I feel like I have worked so hard, whether it be at school or at relationships or just at trying to find myself and make myself happy, but when it comes down to it, my best just never seems to be good enough.

I always seem to be reassuring people and encouraging them, but when I get these words of encouragement back from other people, I realize that they’re just that, they’re just words.  When someone tells me “not to worry” or “I’ll be okay” I have a strong urge to ask them “How do you know?” “How do you know I’ll be okay?”  

That’s right, you don’t know. I may never be okay again so don’t you dare promise me that I will be.

I feel like the only person who has the ability to make me feel better is me, and I sincerely hope that I find this inner happiness sometime in the near future.