3 days. 1000 memories.

" By seeking and blundering we learn"

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I’m pretty sure I had what has the potential to be the best 3 days of my life in the past week and as I write this post I feel a strong sense of nostalgia as I reflect on the fond memories that occurred within this time.

When I left to Joburg on Tuesday morning I was anxious and fearful of what to expect. I remember waking up at 4am that morning to catch my flight to the airport at 6am and my dad asking me “How are you feeling” to which I replied “I just want it to be over” and now looking back, I wish I could do it all over again.

So I left to Joburg by my lonesome on Tuesday the 10^th of December to participate in the Investec Bursary selection program. When I got to the airport I was really scared to be flying alone but nevertheless it had to be done. The feeling of independence that came with this trip is something that I will never forget.

When I arrived amongst the other 48 candidates I could already tell that this would be an experience that I would never forget.  Sitting in a room with people who are as driven as you, share the same goals as you and are of the same intellect as you are, served to be a highly interesting and refreshing experience. 

I will never forget sitting at news café while having dinner and playing question bomb where the substance of the conversation went about abortion and the current controversial topic of e- tolls. In normal everyday life if you spoke about these things with your regular friends it would be incredibly strange but amongst this group of people it was perfectly fine because everyone was interested and once again was of the same intellect.

On Wednesday 11^th December we had our prepared speeches - and boy was that scary. Before arriving we were given the choice of about 9 topics and we were told that the speech had to be 90 seconds. I chose to do the topic “Do you think that Jacob Zuma should serve another term in his presidency” and it turns out that I was the only person out of 49 candidates who chose this topic. Even though we were told that the speech had to be 90 seconds, everyone kind of harbored the attitude “oh it’ s not like they’re going to stop us” – we were wrong.

This was probably the most stressful thing that occurred in the 3 days that I was in Joburg but I prevailed and luckily my speech was still a success. (Despite me calling Jacob Zuma “Juma”)

3 days is no time at all but I seriously feel like I’ve made lifelong friends, and that’s probably what I’ll miss the most. Waking up at 6am to have breakfast as a group, riding the lifts at ungodly hours as we search for a “ party” to involve ourselves in, sharing the fear of being screamed at for walking too slowly or J walking as we cross the street, laughing at the most inappropriate things, whipping everyone's butt in bowling and just having simple conversations.

Thank you Investec bursary selection 2013.

THANK YOU.

A piece of writing by Lisa Kleypas that I just had to share:

"I love you, he thought, looking at Win.
I love every part of you,
every thought and word
the entire complex,
the fascinating bundle of all the things you are.

I want you with ten different kinds of need at once.

I love all the seasons of you,
the way you are now,
the thought of how much more beautiful you'll be in the decades to come.
I love you for being the answer to every question my heart could ask.

And it seemed so easy, once he capitulated.
It seemed natural and right.

Kev wasn't certain if he was surrendering to Win or to his own passion for her, only that there was no more holding him back.
He would take her.
And he would give her everything he had,
every part of his soul...
even the broken pieces."

"and with you, I feel again"

“Did I really want to stay on this road longer, knowing it was only going to end in devastation?”

― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

Very often when we get involved with someone and it doesn’t end well, we begin feeling despondent because we feel as though we’ll never find someone who may make us feel those feelings that that person made us feel or that we may never find another that may possess the amazing qualities that that person possessed.

I know that when I got out of a relationship 3 years ago (being as naive and oblivious as one is at the age of 15) I definitely possessed this attitude. I felt as though I was making a mistake by letting go of a great guy, one who possessed qualities that I thought that I would never find in another guy ever again. But as per, life has a way of proving us all wrong and when I look back on it now I can’t help but laugh at my ignorance.

I have this friend who’s been with this guy for quite some time now and their relationship is really just what I would classify as a broken relationship. Her main reason not to leave him is because she feels as though she won’t find another guy that will be willing to pursue her and make her feel the way that this guy makes her feel. I find this interesting and incredibly sad as I know that as a 15 year old, I felt this way but to feel that way at the age of 18 is ridiculous. I mean, I look at her and I genuinely feel bad for her because being with someone solely because you’re scared that you won’t find someone else is really no reason to stay with someone.

It really is a wonderful feeling when you realize that you have the potential to love again after you’ve been hurt.  It’s really cool when you find yourself getting genuinely excited about someone who isn’t your previous object of affection because without even realizing it, it means that you’re open to experiencing things with new people and may even be open to experiencing love again. Even if the person turns out being just a friend, it’s great to know that someone has the ability to evoke feelings of excitement and genuine joy in you, again.

The last guy that I was with (as I’ve said before) was one of a kind in my eyes and I’m sure that he’ll make some lucky girl very happy one day. After him I really was emotionally broken to put things bluntly, but recently I realized that there are so many great guys out there who have the potential to love you in the way that you deserve to be loved and treat you in the way that you deserve to be treated.  I strongly believe that you shouldn’t stick around if you’re being treated like shit or aren’t being shown the appreciation that you deserve solely because you’re scared you may not feel with someone else again.  I also believe that being alone and even being lonely is better than being in a relationship that does nothing but numb you emotionally.

The saying “Some people come into your life for a reason” has become evident to me recently in that I’ve become aware of the actual influence that people can have on your life without you even being aware that they are having this effect.  

I have this one friend - he probably doesn’t even know that he does this - but he makes me feel really good and I really do enjoy speaking to him. It’s great when you come across people like this in your life because you realize that there are some amazing people out there that you’re still destined to meet, who are going to without a doubt completely exceed your expectations.

So basically the point that I’m trying to make is that no matter how good you think that someone is for you, or how phenomenal that person makes you feel, if it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be and you really shouldn’t force it.

Being scared that you may not find someone in the future is no reason to stick around in an undernourished relationship, be confident in knowing that someone better will come along, and they will make you feel again.

A quintessential heartbreaker

You. A quintessential heartbreaker.

When you left me, you broke me.

In every way that someone could be broken.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

The phrase "a broken heart" slips off my tongue so easily but when I think about it, when I really sit and imagine this "broken heart" that everyone speaks of,

I picture a heart that is broken beyond repair,

A heart that has lost the essential part needed to function,

A heart that may be healing, but will never be completely healed...

A heart kinda like my heart.

Broken.

Unable to be revived..

Healing, but unable to be healed.

All because of you.

A quintessential heartbreaker.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

They say "time heals all wounds" but "they" don't know what they're talking about because the wounds are still here.

They're all still here.

(I hope you're happy.)

I try you know. I really do try.

Sometimes I feel like I may be getting somewhere but then my memory intervenes and i reminisce about how great you were.

(Or at least how great I thought you were.)

Why did you make me believe that you were so great?

(You really weren't that great.)

You. A quintessential heartbreaker.

I wonder if you're aware that when I found you, I also found that I lost myself.

And when I lost you, I found myself finding myself.

After this discovery, I realized that I was a better version of myself than I had ever been before you, or with you.

So if anything, thank you for that.

(I still don't like you very much though)

((Not because I don't feel for you))

(((And not because you don't feel for me)))

But rather because you changed me and then you left.

You

Changed

Me

And

Then

You

Left

You. A quintessential heartbreaker.

It's taken me a while to realize that when feelings are real, no matter what may happen, they are permanent.

They are there to stay.

Damn.

DAMN.

I wish they left with you.

On a scale of 1-10 of how okay I am without you right now..

I'm probably at an 8.

It's taken me a while to get here but I made it, I'm a frickin 8!

And in a few months I'll be a 10.

I'll be a 10, and you,

You'll still be a quintessential heartbreaker.

You

Changed

Me

And

Then

You

Left

But it's okay.

I'm okay.

I forgive you.

You deserve to be happy.

PS: I hope you're happy.

"I am the only person who can make me feel better, it's okay to feel what I feel"

As I compose this post and as I sit and reflect on the past week, I feel a strong sense of discouragement and hopelessness due to the events that have occurred in this week.

I’m in matric this year and I’m currently going through the motions of final exams. I wrote physics today which I knew would be thought-provoking but I was really disappointed at just how challenging it was. I feel like I studied so hard and it was basically thrown in my face that my best was not good enough.

It really sucks when this happens. It sucks when it becomes evident that your best isn’t good enough. Whether it’s someone telling you that you’re not good enough or just you coming to this realization by yourself.

When I ruminate on this year, it’s almost as if all the bad overshadows the good.  I feel like I have worked so hard, whether it be at school or at relationships or just at trying to find myself and make myself happy, but when it comes down to it, my best just never seems to be good enough.

I always seem to be reassuring people and encouraging them, but when I get these words of encouragement back from other people, I realize that they’re just that, they’re just words.  When someone tells me “not to worry” or “I’ll be okay” I have a strong urge to ask them “How do you know?” “How do you know I’ll be okay?”  

That’s right, you don’t know. I may never be okay again so don’t you dare promise me that I will be.

I feel like the only person who has the ability to make me feel better is me, and I sincerely hope that I find this inner happiness sometime in the near future.

"You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul that it carries."

I'm sure we all suffer with insecurities, we may not look the way that we desire to look or possess the traits and qualities that we desire to possess but this is something that I found on my phone by an unknown author and it served to be incredibly encouraging for me, so it's definitely worth the read x

 "You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair colour, your skin colour, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups that you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your moustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts that you think and the things that you wonder.

You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one.

You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul that it carries."

"Feel. Grieve. Let yourself feel the anger at the fact that he was taken away from you.  Feel the loss of him. Feel the sadness and the missing him. Don't block it out, don't cut so it will stop, don't drink yourself numb. Just sit and let it all rip you apart. And then get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Wake up, and be shredded. Cry for a while. Then stop crying and go about your day. You're not okay, but you are alive, and you will be okay, someday"

- Jasinda Wilder, Falling into you