Existing VS Living

“Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you've lived nearly half the time you have to live already?”

― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

So as you can see from the title of this post, It’s not about longing or a broken heart or anything to do with love. It’s a simple look at life and how I wish that I could be living rather than merely existing.

I remember a few years ago, I went through an identity crisis. I know it sounds weird because I was really young, but nevertheless, it happened. I was preparing to fill out a leadership form and found myself stumbling on the first two questions where I was asked to describe myself and mention the qualities that I – as a person- possessed. I know these seem like petty questions that don’t require much thought and many of you could probably answer them in an instant, but at the time I found myself stumbling on my words and I eventually realized that I didn’t really know myself very well. I seriously don’t know what went through my mind before I was that age and I don’t really remember much of my life back then, I do however remember how I had a really care-free attitude, I kinda cruised through school and I didn’t really have an idea of who I was and where I was going in life.

Upon reflection, I realize that I’ve really grown so much over the past 2 years. I also realize that even though I haven’t fully found myself and discovered who I am, I know way more about myself now than I did back then. When I look at the person that I am today, there are 2 qualities about myself that I know for sure are true: I’m really mature when I need to be, and I feel the need to be in control of everyone and everything. I believe that I have very strong morals and values that I will probably always possess, and it is because of these morals and values that I have various boundaries as to what I allow myself to do and what I allow myself not to do.

Over the past few weeks it’s basically been thrown in my face how short life is. I’ve heard so many stories about lives of young children that have been lost and I find myself asking how my parents would feel if they out-lived me. That’s sad right? I’m sure very often as children we think of losing our parents, but it’s really rare for a parent to ever think of losing their child.

I know that I’m often really guarded when it comes to taking risks and doing things that are outside of my comfort zone. If someone asked me to go sky diving my immediate response would be no, reason being that it’s a life threatening situation. That’s understandable right? I’m sure many people would agree with my reasoning and would offer up the same explanation. But the truth is when you walk outside your door in the morning, you face the risk of dying, so what’s the difference? I find myself thinking about how I should take risks and live life to the fullest today because life tomorrow is not guaranteed, this thinking however is never utilized.

In the words of Pope Paul VI, “Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day.” If I were to die tomorrow, I would have lived a highly mediocre life. I wouldn't even describe what I’ve been doing as "living" because I really don’t feel like that is the appropriate word to use.

After this realization that I haven’t necessarily been living, I found myself questioning what it means to live. Seriously questioning it. Does it mean that I go out and get drunk every weekend? Does it mean that I go raucous and rid of all my morals and values? I seriously don’t know what it means to live, but I realize that me going to school every day, coming home, sleeping and watching TV only to repeat the cycle the next day is definitely not me living life to the fullest.

So as I sit here, I have an attitude of hope and optimism for the future. Even though at this moment I may not know what it feels like to live, I hope that one day soon I will be able to say that I do. I hope that life enjoys my company enough to keep me around so that I can experience what it feels like to live and not just be alive.

I have hope that one day I will be able to say that I have done more than just exist.