False desires

“You know what, at one point he probably did love you back but he was just a boy lacking courage, inferior to pride, silent of words and stagnant with change, both too afraid to embark on opportunity to embrace life, so life flew by..

And together you died, While alone you lived”

-Anonymous

So recently I’ve been going through some stuff where I’ve been forced to reflect on life and the past few months. I dawned upon the topic of hope and how we’re always hoping for things to happen in the future. How we hope that we’ll be home in time to catch the newest episode of our favourite TV series, how we hope that the sun will shine tomorrow so we don’t have to freeze our asses off at school, how we hope that the person who said they will always be there for us sticks around.

We’re always hoping in life, every second, every minute, every hour. But what happens when what we hope for fails to utilize itself? What if we don’t make it home in time to catch the newest episode of our favourite TV series, and the sun doesn’t shine the following day as we make our way to school or the person who said they’ll always be there for you fails to stick around? What then?

We’re left disappointed.

When you go through a break up it starts off really hard, you spend most days hoping that maybe the other person will change their mind or that you will change your mind and you’ll be able to feel the whirlwind of satisfying emotions that you once felt with the person. But when these hopes are not fulfilled and you are unable to experience these emotions for a second time,  once again youre left disappointed and you’re forced to move on.

So how do you move on? How do you get over something that you’ve put your all into but just failed to work out? How do continue living each day with a smile when you have the burden of forgetting on your shoulders?

It’s really hard to just accept when things don’t work out as planned. It’s also really hard to reason with yourself as to why things happened the way that they did, why someone who once meant everything to you changed into someone who you’d never thought they’d be.

Love is a dangerous thing. It makes you do things that you would never do and say things that you would never say. I’ve seen how girls lose all dignity and self-respect as they beg guys for a second chance. I’ve seen how girls degrade themselves feeling as though they aren’t enough and will never be enough for someone, and I’ve seen how girls settle because they feel as though they are unable to get any better.

I’ve seen this happen enough times to know that I never want to be that girl, the girl that humiliates herself continuously asking for second chances and explanations, the girl who after the break up has to find herself because she got lost along the way throughout the relationship.

I am not down with and will never be down with being this girl.

So before I turned into this girl, I ended up forcing myself to move on.

I won’t pretend like it was easy, because it was freaken hard, but eventually you reach a stage in your life where you have to make decisions based on what’s best for you. They may be hard and hurt for a while, but making them is better than hoping for something that you know isn’t going to happen.

So when I look back now and I reflect on how I’m feeling I know that I am not okay and I won’t pretend to be okay, but what I do know is that as time passes by and as I live each day forcing myself to do what’s best for me and move on, I am one step closer to being okay.

So maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day soon I will be okay. I will wake up one morning and I will feel content.

I look forward to this feeling.