A fractured heart

 

This is a post written by a close friend of mine , enjoy :)

 

“He does something to me, that boy. Every time. Its only detriment. He steps on my heart, he makes me cry”

- Markus Zusak, The book thief

I’m the kind of girl that believes in love at first sight and when I fall, I fall hard. A while back I met this guy and after a short while I was head over heels for him, I honestly thought that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He made me forget about every other guy that I’d ever liked and made me feel like I was the only girl in the world (however cliché that may seem).

He didn't expect anything from me regarding material things, nor did he force me to do things that I didn't feel comfortable doing- like sex, drinking, smoking (which were things that he found delight in doing).

He made me feel secure and his ways made me feel like heartbreak was impossible because a guy like him didn’t seem capable of hurting any girl. He was just too innocent regarding love.

It hurt really bad when he told me that we couldn't continue with a relationship and that we couldn’t be more than friends because he wasn't ready to be in a steady - long term relationship. He came up with many reasons as to why we couldn’t be together, the main reason being because he wanted to follow his dreams.

This came as a shock and I was completely heartbroken because just two days before he had promised me that he wasn’t even close to leaving me. I realized that his words which had the ability to build me up, also had the ability to completely break me down.  

I took the break up very badly (which is understandable I guess). I was really hurt, my heart literally felt like it was torn to pieces and nothing could compensate for the love I had lost. I cried silent cries because I hated being asked what was wrong. I found myself begging him for a second chance because I didn't know how I could face another day without him texting me or just hearing his voice. After reflecting on the girl that I was becoming in result to my circumstances, I felt very embarrassed for putting myself out there and asking him for a second chance but they always say “if you want something, then  you should fight for it” and that’s what I tried to do. He meant a lot to me and I wasn't willing to lose him that easily.

Throughout the relationship we confided in each other and I found myself being emotionally naked whenever I was with him. I found myself trusting him with my heart, and after hearing the words “we can’t be more than friends” all of that trust was lost.

After the break up, we spoke occasionally but he often put me off by constantly cutting the conversation short and giving me cold answers when we spoke. I guess when he said “we couldn’t be more than friends” he didn’t mean that either because clearly he didn’t want my friendship. This cut me deep because I didn’t understand how something that was once so perfect had resulted in this.

I often spoke to my friend about how I was feeling and felt myself confiding in her because our situations were very similar. I was given a lot of advice about how I should just move on and forget him, but I didn't always take it because I still cared and I didn't want to hurt him even though the feeling wasn’t mutual. I found that as each day went by, I missed him more and more and the dagger that he had placed in my heart by telling me that we couldn’t be more than friends was going deeper and deeper.

I became emotionally numb and I found myself doing things that I never thought that I would ever do. I got involved with two of his closest friends because I felt that if he could hurt me then I could do the same to him. Even though he never found out, I felt worse and disgusted with myself. I felt cheap and that is not a feeling that sits well with me.

I cut off all ties with him and his friends until very recently when he began giving me false hope. He invited me to his house and I found that the way in which we spoke gave me butterflies and reminded me of how good we were together. It felt like my second chance, I had hope that just maybe things would work out this time around, but I was wrong.

I found that my heart that was finally beginning to heal, was in pieces once again. He began talking to me like I was a piece of trash that never meant anything to him and this hurt because I had never seen this side of him. I was sad 24/7 and mourned every single day.

I recently found out that he is in a relationship and slowly but surely I am moving on with my life as well. Moving on from a guy that was once your everything is never easy but I am confident in saying that every day it becomes easier (especially because he's turned into such a douche now)

I know that he was put in my life for a reason and I know that every day as my heart heals, it heals to be stronger than it was before. I trust that God has greater plans for me and my life and when the right guy comes along I will appreciate him so much more thanks to the wrong guys that I have previously been with.  

My plan is to live my life today, and not worry about what happened yesterday, because I don't know what will happen tomorrow.